Drifting

Today I am drifting. I feel as though I belong in two places. Torn and detached. The question is where do I belong? I know where I want to belong, but then I wouldn't be here in the now. I have to realize that this is the moment that I am living in. Seizing the moment. I very much need to ground myself and just be. 

I need to just be. Plant my feet on the ground. It is not time to fly away.

Wild child

I put on the bright red lipstick. The words - "go big or go home" - in my head. Today is a day to live. To be fierce. To be vibrant. To be bold. No judgement will pierce me. No eyes will haunt me. 

I am wild. I am free. And I'll wear my leopard dress if I want to. Red lips included.

Standing behind a wall

Standing there. Standing there with a smile plastered on my face. Fighting through the pain in my heart. Fighting to keep it from showing on my face. 

I make myself beautiful on the outside to hide the pain on the inside.

The Veil

I finally figured out why I do not like wedding veils.

My mother informed me the other week that I am being forced to wear a wedding veil. I had no inkling of an intention to do so. But I must. I am being forced. And I'm not happy.

What I realized though, is that the wedding veil seems fake to me. It makes me feel like some doll and that I don't belong. It looks ridiculous to me and I do not think adds to the image. Now this is just my personal opinion. I just feel like an idiot wearing a veil. Like I'm trying to be something I'm not. That's also how I feel when trying on those huge fluffy wedding dresses. I feel like I'm just a doll people are playing dress up with.

I want to be real. I want to be me. Who I am and not something I'm not. I don't care about the wedding.

I care about him.

Nothing

This is a blog about nothing. Nothing this. Nothing that. Nothing everything. What really constitutes nothing. Is it the absence of something? Or is it simply nothing? Nothing.

I lay

I lay asleep, in a dream, a dream of no end, a dream of a thousand ends. I lay asleep. This daze of going through the motions, taking a step that leads to a thousand. Walking with no sense of being able to turn back. I lay asleep. The time passes yet it stands still. Minutes erased and gone. Second tick tick ticking. I lay asleep.

Change Agent

I hate knowing that my friends have troubles or problems. They express their problems to me looking for guidance or uplifting words. I can give that to them, but what more? I can't be what changes them. They are the ones who need to make the changes themselves.

It tears me apart when I can't do more to help. I really wish I could, but sometimes there is only so much you can do.