Drifting

Today I am drifting. I feel as though I belong in two places. Torn and detached. The question is where do I belong? I know where I want to belong, but then I wouldn't be here in the now. I have to realize that this is the moment that I am living in. Seizing the moment. I very much need to ground myself and just be. 

I need to just be. Plant my feet on the ground. It is not time to fly away.

Wild child

I put on the bright red lipstick. The words - "go big or go home" - in my head. Today is a day to live. To be fierce. To be vibrant. To be bold. No judgement will pierce me. No eyes will haunt me. 

I am wild. I am free. And I'll wear my leopard dress if I want to. Red lips included.

Standing behind a wall

Standing there. Standing there with a smile plastered on my face. Fighting through the pain in my heart. Fighting to keep it from showing on my face. 

I make myself beautiful on the outside to hide the pain on the inside.

The Veil

I finally figured out why I do not like wedding veils.

My mother informed me the other week that I am being forced to wear a wedding veil. I had no inkling of an intention to do so. But I must. I am being forced. And I'm not happy.

What I realized though, is that the wedding veil seems fake to me. It makes me feel like some doll and that I don't belong. It looks ridiculous to me and I do not think adds to the image. Now this is just my personal opinion. I just feel like an idiot wearing a veil. Like I'm trying to be something I'm not. That's also how I feel when trying on those huge fluffy wedding dresses. I feel like I'm just a doll people are playing dress up with.

I want to be real. I want to be me. Who I am and not something I'm not. I don't care about the wedding.

I care about him.

Nothing

This is a blog about nothing. Nothing this. Nothing that. Nothing everything. What really constitutes nothing. Is it the absence of something? Or is it simply nothing? Nothing.

I lay

I lay asleep, in a dream, a dream of no end, a dream of a thousand ends. I lay asleep. This daze of going through the motions, taking a step that leads to a thousand. Walking with no sense of being able to turn back. I lay asleep. The time passes yet it stands still. Minutes erased and gone. Second tick tick ticking. I lay asleep.

Change Agent

I hate knowing that my friends have troubles or problems. They express their problems to me looking for guidance or uplifting words. I can give that to them, but what more? I can't be what changes them. They are the ones who need to make the changes themselves.

It tears me apart when I can't do more to help. I really wish I could, but sometimes there is only so much you can do.

Working for my friends

Acknowledgement. I finally met a photography student who really thanked me for helping her out as a model.

I enjoy being able to hell out my friends as a model, but at the same time it stresses me out. They are not always clear as to exactly what they want the style to be. Half the time they tell me to just wear what I usually do because I'm stylish.

Here's the thing. I wear a huge variety of clothes. It's not just me, all my friends say so as well. So when you tell me to just wear what I usually do, well that could be anything!

At least I've learned from this as a photographer myself, be specific to your models. They will not stress as much, therefor keeping hair on their head and pimples off their skin.

Brain mush

This week has been quite a week. I find that I'll be talking to someone and then my brain goes blank mid-sentence.... This is what being in college does to a person. Having school, a job and being involved on campus. It's curious, and we all say how excited we will be when school ends, but there's always the craziness of the unknown. I'm not sure we will ever find the balance. I guess we can hope for the best. Not much more to do. Just gotta live life and keep on going.

Fuzzy legs

Oh the woes of a girl. We all say how much easier it would be to be a boy. This is extraordinarily true. We could act like boys, but then we would be brutally judged and called some rather offensive names. Girls are viscous when it comes to appearance. That is why so many girls feel they always need to look nice. Over 75% of the time a girl isn't dressing up for a guy, no she's dressing up to compete with other girls.
Girls have so much pruning to do. Making sure all their facial issues are covered and their bodies hairless. This is where my predicament comes into play.

Shaving legs. Shaving my legs every(ish) day.

It's annoying and causes me to take long showers, only to realize after I get out of the shower a missed a spot, or to become very cold quickly making it pointless that I had shaven at all.

Waxing. Waxing my legs.

See I hate hair on my body. I like smooth silky skin, even if no one else is feeling it. Therefor I shave a lot. But I want to try waxing because I heard of all the benefits it does. Problem is in order to wax there must be hair on your legs. Not just some hair, at least 1/4 an inch if not more.

So here comes me, wanting to wax but loathing hair on my body. I must allow the hair on my legs to grow out.

I'm going insane.

I'm not sure how much longer I can deal with this fuzzy nonsense. How embarrassed I am when my leg hairs peak through at the end of my leggings or jeans. How at this moment my roommates lamp is making the hairs on my legs shine.

This must end.

But I must be strong.

Oh did I mention how weird it feels to have hairy legs in jeans. Not comfortable let me tell you. Not comfortable at all.

Distance

I haven't blogged in say, well I have chosen not to say because it is rather sad making. I just struggle when it comes to blogging without real purpose. If I have purpose behind it then I feel empowered and the words seem to just come. Blogging on my own though, well I don't want to sound like some juvenile lovesick teen. But I'm a writer. Blogging is healthy for writers. Therefor I must blog. So today what is on my heart is the fact that the spaces between my fingers are rather empty. I understand when people tell me at least I have someone who loves me and I get to spend my future with, but at the same time, how painful is it to know that I have someone that lights up my world yet I rarely see them because of the life of distance I chose and he chose. I know he is out there, miles away, and our little phones connect us. Tiny pixels form into letters. But these screens are not the soft skin of his hands. His words are nice, but they are nothing like the feel of his fingers brushing across my cheek or rubbing my stomach when I feel sick. I wouldn't trade our love for anything, but distance is torture. We have the hope of our future together, and the knowledge that life is better with each other in it than not at all. So for now I'll survive the distance, I keep to my day dreams about the day to come and I'll keep wishing on those shooting stars.

Where did everybody go?

War: a word that brings such hatred and fear into the hearts of many.
Yet what do people do now in the face of war?

As a student at a University I do not have a great amount of options when trying to go out and help the world… besides mission trips, feeding the homeless and getting the word out. This is why I stay connected to programs like “TOMs shoes” and “Falling Whistles.” They both deal with providing help to those who need it. Falling Whistles is a program that was created to make people see that a war is happening in Congo that most do not know about or just overlook. To be in support of Falling Whistles, one can buy the whistle from their site and wear it as a symbol of being a “Whistleblower for peace.”  The war in Congo is ongoing, yet our government has not done anything about it. Obama said he would and even signed an agreement, but nothing has happened. So as of right now a petition has been going around with now over 20,000 signatures to send to our government, petitioning that we send a convoy to Congo to protect those in need. Come to find that the organization “Invisible Children” also deals with many of the war affected children.  

               “Over the past 15 years war in the Democratic Republic of Congo has consumed as many as 5m lives, often gruesomely: children murdering in gangs, civilians massacred by the thousand, rape as common as petty thievery. And yet, who can name the man responsible?” said The Economist when writing about Jason Stearns, a man who travels through the Congo area, speaking the dialects to get information out of as many people as possible.

               That is the question to be asking, “Who can name the man responsible?” The leaders of Congo have been shot, ignored and killed through the years, so it is utter insanity there. Rape is as common as small thefts. Millions of people are dying. There seem to be no restrictions, similar to a Holocaust, yet who is the one charging it on? Although there is not much of an answer to that, the more important question is how the rest of the world is allowing this kind of behavior to continually happen? Why is no one doing anything about it? Is the world not supposed to work together? Why do we have the UN and not use it? America has its solders in Afghanistan, and although there is still a fight there, does it compare to what is happening in Congo.

               At my school, California Baptist University, we have many students from Rwanda. I never was able to really get to know them except for one, but I haven’t really asked about life back there. I know she and her mother do not live there anymore and had moved away, but The Economist’s article spoke of how close Rwanda is to Congo, how the war enters into that country. This is very scary, and it makes me worried for all the families back in Rwanda from our students here, how much pain must be in their hearts.

               It breaks my heart that although organizations such as Falling Whistles and Invisible Children work so hard to inform the public and reach the government officials, people ignore or do not care enough to put all their support behind the cause. Our world has become extremely self-centered, and it is truly heart breaking.

               “Despite at one time having the world’s biggest UN peacekeeping mission, Congo, Jason Stearns argues, should be ranked alongside Germany, Russia and China as one of the great vortexes of recent human violence. The conflict sucked in armies from nine nations, spawning at least 20 rebel groups that fought 40 or 50 interlocking wars within wars in a country as big as western Europe, but with few roads. Ethnic rivalry, lust for power, security concerns, poverty and greed all played a role, yet no side had a clear objective.”

               These people are fighting for nothing. Yes there might be an abundance of minerals, but it is an uncontrolled war going on. But because the minerals are not necessarily oil and gas, America is not as keen to get in on the fight, to clear up the war, unlike the war that started in Iraq. The wars in Congo have not necessarily been directed on America like crashing a plane into our Twin Towers, but it’s still a war, an unnecessary war that is harmful, and if not controlled soon, will start consumed and spreading to neighboring countries.

               Are you a Whistle-blower for peace?

http://www.economist.com/node/18617876

Franglais speaking love

Today I reread the journal I kept during my stay in France this past summer. Half of it was in French which I now wish I could still do. It is sad how one could know a language so well for a while, but then put out of practice it no longer is a good as it once was. I now have a lot of trouble understanding when people talk to me in French. I find myself using the igoogle translator more and more. It truly is sad. I have a friend back in Oklahoma who speaks French as well, but she has forgotten most of it as well, and we do not get to talk very often because of our busy schedules. So I don't have many options for finding people to regularly speak French with me.
I know that there are Rwanda students on campus, a good amount of them speak French, but part of their language is different because they are from a different country, and many French speaking countries have different dialects and vocabulary. Even in France itself has different Vocabulary differing from North France to South France. In a way it's like how there are different slang words in North California compares to South California. Hecka is a common one up North, but people in SoCal think it's ridiculous, (I personally think it is really funny, and because I hang out with a lot of people from NorCal I find myself sometimes saying it).
Language is just a peculair thing... I could go on forever of how ridiculous English is, as well as French. Who puts a k in the front of knife, that is ubsurd, and French will look one way written, but when pronounced it sounds like an entirely different word.
Oh people, I would love to go back in time and knock (there's another k word) some sense into the men who created the French verb tenses dealing with only a set of 20 verbs that have to be treated special compared to the others. How on earth am I supposed to memorize them all and differ between them?
Well, I guess it's a journey. but hopefully it will end happy (if only I can remember all the French I knew this summer...)

Busy Busy Busy

So i sent a package to Camille full of jewelry, paintings I did and Cd's I made her.

She received it this week and was so very very excited which makes me very happy. So all week she's been listening to the Cd's I made her, which really makes me happy.

On Facebook as her status's she will sometimes now put song lyrics from some of what I sent her. It is super cute. But I love how even through music we can connect. Sometimes she will text me with songs I should listen to, and sometimes I'll do the same for her.

People in France actually listen to more music made in America than in France, this also happens with films. France has their own culture, but America's culture has a great influence now.

I believe this is both a good and a bad thing, but at least our worlds are connected to one another.

Oh tres mal

Sadly because of her crazy schedule this summer and my crazy schedule this summer, we now do not get to see one another. this saddens me greatly because I miss her dearly.

But luckily we still have skype. a great tool for those who live far from one another. I am getting a bit better at French so hopefully our conversations can be more French now that English, although she prefers to speak English because she misses it, but I prefer French because I miss it too so we have a dilemma. But maybe we could come to a compromise.

Oh and there is also Facebook where we communitcate quite frequently. All of the time really.

But also we sometimes text, but that is rather expensive so that is very rare.

Oh the communications of the world.

So hopefully we shall see each other in person soon, maybe not this summer but another break from school would be nice.

Coming?

So over the past two weeks my French friend Camille has found out she might be able to come to America this summer.

 We are trying to figure out when a good time would be because I am working all summer and she has meetings and a work study for her schooling of being a doctor.
Its looked at first that she would really be able to do it, and come spend a couple weeks with me. we even contacted my boss to see if she could spend time at camp.

Now though we are having trouble because of timing and how busy I am going to be. I want to devote time to her, but it will be really hard because of my job then going back to California in August.
So now we have to figure out if it will work this summer, or if we will have to wait another year again.
There's the prospect of Christmas break, but that would be hard too. It is all rather hard and saddening.
I am not sure what to do as of now.
I just am hoping and praying it all works out.

Poor Pluto

Something that has been pressing on my heart lately is how different society is changing. It has made me realize that my children will be growing up in a completely different world (that is when I have children in the next 10 years). I have already decided to save all of my favorite movies while growing up so that I can share them with my children, as well as some of the TV shows that I grew up with. I want to be able to share the culture I grew up in with my children because it was so very enjoyable. I also am worried with the direction TV shows and movies are going it, and would like to have some costiveness in my children’s lives.

I was also thinking about how many things have changed. When I work with campers during the summer we talk about certain things, and I have come to discover many kids, ever older than ten, have absolutely no idea who the Backstreet boys, or N-Sync are. I feel like when I was growing up I still knew all the different music my parents listened to, as well as my siblings. I was still in tune with the different cultural eras before mine, but in today’s society that has definitely changed.

What truly makes me sad is the fact already kids are learning the solar system without Pluto. I believe that is absolutely ridiculous. My friends and I had a huge discussion about why they even took Pluto out of our solar system list of planets: Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune and Pluto (Dwarf Planet).  It is truly ridiculous in my opinion. Apparently “the IAU has changed the definition of "planet" so that Pluto no longer qualifies. There are now officially only eight planets in our solar system. Of course this change in terminology does not affect what's actually out there.”[1]

The resolution The decision establishes three main categories of objects in our solar system.

• Planets: The eight worlds starting with Mercury and moving out to Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune.
• Dwarf planets: Pluto and any other round object that "has not cleared the neighborhood around its orbit, and is not a satellite."
• Small solar system bodies: All other objects orbiting the sun.

Pluto and its moon Charon, which would both have been planets under the initial definition proposed Aug. 16, now get demoted because they are part of a sea of other objects that occupy the same region of space. Earth and the other eight large planets have, on the other hand, cleared broad swaths of space of any other large objects. [2]

Why do scientists have to meddle so much?

[1] http://nineplanets.org/

[2] http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14489259/

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Ma Belle Amie

Camille and I did not talk as much this week, although in French class my French professor asked me about my trip out there this summer, and some of the different cultural things. It is always nice to remember all the fun things that happened in France this summer. I very much want to go back there. Camille and I were able to talk une petite peu (a little bit) today, and what we did say is how we are both poor university students who cannot afford a plain ticket to see one another. If only we had enough money, then I would definitely go and see her.
It kind of makes me wonder about my future and whether or not whomever I marry would live in France with me and what-not. That would be wonderful, but I guess I will just have to wait and see what God has in store for my future. I just hope I will be able to spend time with Camille at some point again. A lot more points would be splendid, but we will have to see.
I just need to become completely fluent in French and all shall be well. so that is my number one goal... well kind of, I have other non French related goals, but that is besides the point.

Bonne Nuit!

Mon petit chou

This week I found out my darling Camille's parents have split up. Her father still lives out in the country, but her mother and brother have moved to Amiens so her mother can be closer to work. It is very sad that this has happened, but Camille says it is also good because her parents were always fighting. It is weird when something like this can shatter a part of your world. It's been a little hard on Camille, especially because she has been so busy with school, then having to deal with her family problems.  She does enjoy having her family closer to her though sometimes.
Camille has been doing very well in school, but she has to work all of the time. She says she loves learning about being a doctor, but all the school work that goes with it is very hard. But she has very good friends that I met when I went there, who help each other out and they all work and study together. They are like a support system like in Grey's Anatomy with Meridith, Liz, Georgia, Christina and Alex. That is at least what Camille and I joked about. She says her friends there and me are also helping her with her parents devorce, because we are supporting her and loving her. And this is true. Companionship is what we as humans are made for. God made us to be together and love one another. I am so blessed with all the wonderful people God has brought into my life. And I love having my friends overseas because it broadens my scope of the world, allowing me to reach across the nations God's love and joy.

p.s. the title is a cute saying people nickname their adoration for other people. Like a pet name in a way. It is a joke between my french friends and me.

My Dearest Camille

Camille and I have decided that we are going to save up our money so we can see each other soon. It is hard to be so far away from your best friend. Her and I talked today about how hopefully we could live near each other. If all goes well I might be able to be a novelist in the countryside of France, or her a famous doctor here in the US. Those are what we dream, might come true might not. I do not get to talk to her as much anymore because of our busy schedules as well as the time difference. It is rather sad-making. Although, everytime I watch Grey's Anatomy I think of her since she is the one who got me hooked.
In my French class we had to write and do an oral report about France, so I spoke of my adventures there this past summer, but in order to get my details right I had to reread my journal that I kept while I was there. I almost cried because I missed it so very much. It is quite awing how such a journey can have such an impact on ones life.
I am not sure where life may lead me, but I hope Camille and I will be able to see each other soon.